Friday, June 4, 2010

This is stoopid

Read this:

I'll wait.

dum de dum dum dum... finished?

Okay. This is the most ridiculous idea to come down the academic pike since... ever. I mean, really? I, for one, recall being very proud of my little self when I learned to spell "beautiful". Will there be no such sense of accomplishment for future generations? Here are a few more arguments against this inane proposal:

1) Take the word "foot" for example. If you spelled fruit phonetically, you would spell it f-r-o-o-t, right? Well, what about foot? Fut? No. Fet? No. Fit? Fat? No and no. Fute? Well, that's just silly. F-o-o-t is the only way to spell this word. In actuality we are all probably just pronouncing it wrong.

2) Imagine this actually happens. Fast forward two generations. My great-grandkid picks up "Tom Sawyer" or "Gone With the Wind" or "Twilight" and, guess what? They can't read it! The wurds r all speld funee!

3) If we change the English language, what of all the other languages of the world? Is everyone else supposed to relearn English just because some people are morons?

4) How will you differentiate between "so", "sow", and "sew"?

Now, don't get me wrong. Our language is a bit hinkey. One of my favorite "I Love Lucy" episodes is the one where Ricky is reading Little Ricky a bedtime story, and is exasperated by the words bough, rough, through, and cough. Hilarious! But, that is kind of the point. The English language is sometimes silly but it is an amalgam of many other languages. Our word origins predate most modern day countries. It is a tie to our history and to the very shaping of the world.

The dumbing down of the populace must stop! So what if it's spelled d-a-u-g-h-t-e-r instead of d-a-w-t-e-r? Or should it be d-a-h-t-e-r? See? There's another problem. Which version of misspelling will be considered correct? Oh, what a can of worms this would open! We'd have Northeast Spellings, Bible Belt Spellings, California Spellings (where every noun contains "dude"), Canadian spellings, eh. And, of course, New Jersey Spellings.

So, give it sum t'awt. Lemme no wut youse guys tink. Ahm gunna go faw a cawfee.

Next up: Invasion of the Grammar Police


  1. And I'm from Jersey so just stop right there. My father still says "terlet" after 30+ years away from NJ.

  2. You lose points because your "moran" is wearing a Cardinals shirt, so I must disapprove on principle. Otherwise, bravo. Ever so clever.

    BTW...I am pretty sure the phrase, "Accomodating Brocolli in the Cemetary" can be used as clinical diagnosis for LSD use.